Tuesday, November 13, 2012


           Have you ever felt that rush? That feeling in your head like you’re in the perfect state of mind?  It feels as if nothing could go wrong, like the world’s frozen. I have been there.  I wish that feeling didn’t feel so good. What it takes to get it is addicting.  I don’t mean it’s a feeling you can get when you want.  It’s a feeling you have to have once you have had it. 
            Everyone has that day. And that’s how it begins.  That day when nothing goes right.  That day you just want the world to stop, to freeze.  That’s when addiction is waiting to strike.  It only takes 1 swallow. Just one move of the esophagus,  and you feel it, the taste of that dry white powdery pill sliding down you’re throat.  Before you know it that day is a great day, you’re happy, in that perfect state of mind. 
            People say, “If I only do it once there’s no way I can be addicted.” That’s the sentence that substance waits for, before it strikes.  Just that one pill drops the hook.  And every time it catches, and it always catches right where it hurts the most to remove.  The pain to get that hook out is so much harder then just letting it fall deeper.  To just take one more pill can fix everything, you won’t feel that hook pulling itself up, and just one pill fixes everything.  It’s almost too easy to say no to. 
            People who have experienced this know exactly what I’m talking about. Every word I’ve shared they nod their head in agreement.  My egg donor knows best. She met addiction and loved him, made him her best friend.  They were so close he always came before me, but how can I get mad? Everyone has a right to their own choice.  I get up and pick what t-shirt I wear so what’s the difference, right?  Since she began to see I wasn’t her first choice, her idea was to make addiction my friend too; we could all hang out that way.
            I was feeling ill, and she was tweaking on the couch.  When she snapped back to consciousness she realized I didn’t look too well.  Her idea of taking care of her 12-year-old was to give him Xanax.  So I took it, I thought maybe I’d get closer with my mom, maybe I could come first if I do it with her.  So I took the pill. I sat for a few minutes and began to feel really drowsy.  She could tell and told me to lay down, and she smiled and said, “See you tomorrow,” and kissed my forehead.  I remember that because that’s the first time I felt like she loved me in years. 
            But it didn’t take her long to realize she made a mistake, not because I’m 12 and taking pills but because she had to share. I became friends with Mr. Addiction.  Every day I wanted to feel that again.  My head felt like it was floating in a cloud.  I told her how it made me feel and she yelled.  She said, “I know how it feels. I’ve taken them so long my blood itches.” I didn’t get that at first until later in life when I realized itchiness was a side effect.  After she realized we had to share there began to be problems.  She knew I didn’t care about giving her respect or even giving her the power to control me.  The pills began to disappear, and I knew she was hiding them so I began to steal stuff to get them from her.  If I brought a TV back she would sell it and in return give me 5-10 pills.  I knew this was my way to get the hook to quit pulling. 
            It didn’t take long before the school began to notice.  They called my mom in and she said she wouldn’t go.  We didn’t have a car, and she didn’t want to walk the mile on a highway to get to my school.  Later that week I was expelled from my school.  It was around spring break time and I was out of school for over a month.  But since she had gone to rehab she told me I needed to quit taking so many pills.  I began to get angry; I hated everything when she told me that; I just wanted to destroy everything.  I started throwing stuff around the house and punching the walls and just screaming at her.  She started crying and told me she had been clean for over a month. I just thought to myself, “How didn’t I notice?” Finally I asked her if she was serious and she said, “Yeah.”
            In my head I knew this was the time for me to get over it, because I saw in her eyes she did it for me.  She knew it wasn’t right for me to be doing what I was, and she changed for me.  In my head that was the best thing that I’ve ever heard.  I knew that my egg donor was trying to be a mom.  After a long painful two weeks of her just holding me and crying because my head hurt so badly, and I was just so angry.  We sat for hours a day just crying because she knew it was right and so did I.  The pain was unbearable; they say it doesn’t hurt to want, they’re wrong.
            The cost of lifting the pain of addiction in unbearable, but it is possible.  From stealing and selling everything I stole for pills, I became clean.  Addiction has caught back up to my egg donor but at least I know if she had a real reason, she could stop.  And honestly there’s no reason for anyone to ever be addicted.  All you have to do is say no.  My challenge for anyone who hasn’t experienced the feeling of addiction, don’t.  And for those who have, everyone is strong enough to stop.  Surround yourself with good people and good things happen.
--Name withheld